Ranking the Relationships in Love Actually
It’s the time of year again when everyone watches their favorite holiday films. One of the most popular from recent years is Love Actually. This one is a personal favorite of mine, yes I recognize it’s not great. Yes, I recognize the cis heteronormative Caucasianess of the film.
However, I am a romantic at heart and this film still pulls at my sappy heartstrings. So let’s rank the nine main relationships of this modern holiday classic.
09. Sarah (Laura Linney), Karl (Rodrigo Santoro), and Sarah’s Brother
Let’s just call a spade a spade, Karl sucks. That’s why this ranks last. Karl only cares about one thing. And when that is interrupted he couldn’t leave faster. If anyone deserves to be booed like Glenn Close at the end of Dangerous Liaisons it’s Karl.
Then we get an extra downer with Sarah visiting her brother in a hospital as he tries to hit her. Can we get a little happiness for Sarah? Anything? Karl the douche highlights a sad storyline. May he forever be single?
08. Colin (Kris Marshall), Tony (Abdul Salis), and America
Tony reluctantly puts up with his friend Colin. Like he’s an asshole but my asshole kind of way. Colin is the horniest man who has ever lived and swears British women are snobs and that’s why he can’t get laid. Maybe women find him too aggressive.
He goes to America to get laid and has what can only be explained as a 16-year-olds fantasy. It’s like Richard Curtis let his 16-year-old nephew write this storyline. It's completely ridiculous, so ridiculous that it feels like it’s in another movie. However, we do get a scene with Denise Richards because of it, so it’s not all bad.
07. Juliet (Kiera Knightly), Peter (Chiwetel Ejiofor), and Mark (Andrew Lincoln)
Like much of this film, this storyline did not age well. Watching this in 2023 is not cute, it’s so uncomfortable. Gentlemen, if you somehow find yourself in love with your best friend’s new wife, just leave it be.
I promise you will find someone else. Please don’t go to their house with cards to profess your love. Nothing about this storyline is endearing. Maybe it would play better if it wasn’t his best friend. But the cards segment still would not.
06. Jamie (Colin Firth) and Aurelia (Lucia Moniz)
I know this has become the relationship to dump on in modern times. I think it remains a cute, yet unrealistic romance. Of course, it’s easy to get on Jamie’s side when we are introduced to him being cheated on by his Brother, rough.
They learn each other’s language, so they can communicate. It makes the proposal scene very sweet. Even if proposing after barely talking for a month, but that is beside the point. This is a movie, what would it be without some movie magic?
05. John (Martin Freeman) and Judy (Joanna Page) (Stand-Ins)
Probably the most down-to-earth and realistic love story in this film. Two normal people, meeting abnormally, and falling in love. It’s one of the most interesting meet-cutes in cinema history.
The only reason I don’t rank these two higher is their screen time. Given how normal and undramatic these two are, their story would make for a boring film. But their story is a welcome addition to this film.
04. Daniel (Liam Neeson), Sam (Thomas Brodie-Sangster), and Joanna (Olivia Olson)
What starts as a sad story turns into the grand romantic gesture of the film. We meet Daniel and Sam at the funeral of Daniel's wife and Sam’s mother. Daniel has trouble connecting with his stepson Sam. That is until Sam reveals he has a crush and is not sure what to do.
They bond over how to woo his crush Joanna. This whole storyline leads to one of the best moments in the film, Sam chasing Joanna in the airport to tell her he loves her. It’s movie magic at its finest. Is there any other more romantic thought than chasing the one you love to tell them you love them? No.
There’s nothing like young love, neither of you has the corruption of the unrelenting world. It’s pure and beautiful.
03. Harry (Alan Rickman), Karen (Emma Thompson), and Mia (Heike Makatsch)
The most heartbreaking story in the entire film. Though it is sad, it ranks high on this list because it is the emotional heart of the film. We do not need to see Harry and Mia copulate to understand that he cheated.
The necklace scene does that well enough. Doesn’t beat you over the head. Once that Joni Mitchell CD is revealed everyone’s heart sinks. Then Emma gives the best performance in the film in one scene when she goes to the bedroom to cry. It’s gut-wrenching.
02. David (Hugh Grant) and Natalie (Martine McCutcheon)
Other people might not rank this one as high, but this is my personal favorite in the film. Hugh is effortlessly charming. Martine is adorable. It’s easy to see why David would fall in love with Natalie.
Plus this storyline gives us two of the iconic scenes in the film. Hugh dancing to The Pointer Sisters and Hugh goes door to door looking for Natalie, resulting in the caroling moment which is perfect. Their scene in the airport at the end of the film is also adorable.
If Harry and Karen are the sad part of the film’s emotional heart, David and Natalie are the joyous side of the heart of the film.
01. Billy Mack (Bill Nighy) and his Manager (Gregor Fisher)
I was as surprised as you when I came to this conclusion. However, when it comes to Christmas this is what it is all about, family. Billy’s realization at the end of the film is like Scrooge learning the true meaning of Christmas.
Of course, it’s easy to rank this high because Bill Nighy is so good, potential Supporting Actor Oscar nomination good. His chemistry with Gregor is perfect. Also, their storyline has one of the best last lines of any storyline. “Let’s get pissed and watch porn.” What else is Christmas about?
